One of it is how much I am missing out at home. I miss seeing my family dynamics change. Worse, I am no longer part of it except for the times that I am home, once a year for a teeny weeny month. I miss seeing my elder brother change from a failing college student to a motivated English teacher. Its wonderful to see him find his niche finally. I guess when people like what they do, they do it best.

And I miss seeing my younger brothers change from boys to men. The youngest one is going off to college already. It feels like only yesterday I held his hands crossing the road. I nursed him when he was ill. I fried him eggs and made him burgers in the middle of the night. They probably hate me for all the time I screamed, shouted, smacked, punched, kicked, embarressed them. It was all self-defense I swear. A little revenge maybe.

Just the other night I was nudged online by my younger bro, asking me advice about girls. Showed me pictures of 'my mother's daughter in law'. Seriously!!? Then he goes on to say how this is the only girl in his heart, and that he is on cloud nine. I commented how she's not really all that and by my standards, she's not at all hot. Heheh. He threw it back in my face by saying looks will fade, it's her I'm into. Not her physical. Wah-la-wey!! This is my brother??

It was funny at that time, but not when I realize how much I'm missing out. We chat online and I call home whenever I can, but it's not the same, is it? It's not like when we are all seated at the dining table and they know to chuck all the tomatoes onto my plate, and I know to leave the chicken wings for him.

I dread the thought of not going back for summer.

I dread even more missing my parents change. God knows how long more they are going to be around. You'd think they can't change anymore at their age, but it could just be the period they change the most. And I wish I could be there.

I guess my parents must feel the same way when I changed. At least I think I have changed. For the better, I hope.

posted at 12:58 AM

1 Comments:

• At 1:47 PM,  Anonymous said...

  You know, although I'm not as far away from my family as you are, I miss out on a lot too. It's lonely here sometimes.
  
  Having been so close to my family and then having to be alone all of a sudden is a drastic change. The reason I used to come home so much was so I wouldn't miss out too much on my brothers and borak-borak and have coffee with my parents.
  
  I want to be involved in their lives as much as I can. Coz one day, I wanna look back and remember all the great family moments. Something I'll be able to talk about to my children later on.
  
  Time is running out, I might pursue postgraduate studies somewhere, my brothers in college and in boarding schools. There's not much together-time left. And I'm already feeling it.

   

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