Tuesday, March 18, 2008
He wants some time, so I'll give him some time. Actually, I told him to take all the time he needs. I'm in no rush anyway. I've got time to spare.
He wants no pressure. He says he runs away from pressure. I said to him, no pressure. At all.
He says he can't commit this very moment. He said he is very sorry. I said don't be. I said I don't want to get married tomorrow. I said we're not talking about babies. I said I can't promise him tomorrow either so we're on the same page.
I said I don't understand the concept of an open relationship. That I have tried very hard to but I am tired. I said it's too painful to carry on like this. I said it's either a yes or a no. I said the ball is in his court and that I hope whatever he decides, I still will have him in my life. And that it wouldn't be awkward after this. And because I believe I am a strong woman, even if I do end up losing him, at least I walk away with my self-respect intact. I need that to be at peace with myself when I go to bed at night.
I told him I'm worth more than an open relationship. I told him I dislike the way he treats me. That I feel like he is using me. That it is all one-sided. That he can't choose to be the boyfriend one day, a friend the next, and a total stranger day after. I said that's not fair on me. That even if I was just a friend, he has to treat me with respect. I said I deserve it. And I won't settle for any less. I told him of all the times he has hurt me. He said to tell him next time and not keep it to myself if I am angry at him. He says he is glad I brought this whole thing up, at least he knows how I feel.
I asked him what am I to him. I told him I'm tired of trying to figure out what I mean to him. I told him it's tiring, it's confusing and I have so much better things to think about and do. He said I'm a special person to him. That's why he misses me when I'm gone, and that's why he has got a picture of me on his desktop. That I believe in him, and that he feels safe and at home around me.
He said please not to give up on him. He said he wouldn't give up on me. I said I won't.
I said I don't fall for a person very easily. Crushes, maybe. I maybe be reckless with my life but I'm careful with my heart. I said over these past few months I have slowly learn to open up to him. I said I'm not always very comfortable with being more than friends with boys, but I find a certain comfort with him. I could lie in his bed and not feel awkward. I don't feel weird when he holds my hand.
He said sometimes he gets lonely. He says he doesn't know who his friends are. I told him I am. I said I am here if you need, and if only you'd try to see. I said if he doesn't let me, I can't help him. I said please don't ever forget that that's what I'm here for, to be his friends.
I told him how I admired him as a person. How glad I am to have crossed paths with him.
I reminded him again that I am here for him if he needs me.
He pleads again not to give up on him.
And again.
And I said I won't.
And I won't.
And that there's no pressure.
And that for as long as I can, I'll wait.
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