Monday, February 27, 2006
Late bloomer I am
I didn't know about menstruation till I was 12. Puberty didn't hit me a year later. All through high school I was struggling with my sense of style. It was always sporty/casual, but the girly part in me wanted to come out so bad. During family gatherings, especially weddings and raya, I would admire my cousins who are all dolled up, from the finest of songkets to the flawless cosmetic touch. The only perk being me back then was when we played outside they could only sit by the stairs and watch. And the boys loved me because I played good football than some of them.
I remember my aunt pulling me aside, gave me a lecture on how girls should behave like girls and leave the field to the boys. nanti hitam takde orang nak.
She was also the aunt who made a big deal about my weight. She'd bring out the scales everytime I went over to her house. When food was served she never failed to point out that I'd be the one to start first and finish last. Somehow all that never got to me. It never put pressure on me to lose weight. My weight never bothered me. I remember my dad scolding that sister of his. He said I will grow at my own pace, and I will learn my own way.
My dad was right. He always is anyway. I still wear jeans everyday, I still don't fancy heels. I started exploring cosmetics and experimenting with the colours. I'm trying to grow my hair long, put a bit of style in it and work for a healthier bod. All at my own will. Oh yea, I still don't own a skirt. Not quite there yet.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Seeking Solace
Apart from the patriotic Malaysian '... jika kau fikirkan kau boleh...' song, I have a favourite song that rekindles my at times dying spirit. A song sung with so much life and spirit that you can't help but fall into motion. It's like a song with a life of it's own. The song is a verse from the renowned Fighter song by Christina Aguilera.'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
We're all fighters in some way or another whether we realize it or not. What makes us a fighter is how we fend ourselves from a situation and come out of it very much alive and still ready to take on the world. It's never easy. Never EVER. But if we take time to smell the roses and count our blessings for the life God gave us and to the people who brought us to life, we eventually learn to make peace with the adversity. And if you think no one cares, remember of The One Upstairs who's looking down on you to the seconds... every single day of your life.Sometimes I feel like I've been fighting a lifetime.--Lola
Friday, February 17, 2006
Alive and Kicking Ass!
Hello to my darling Lo's(Lonestar and LostSoul)!
Why does it seem to me that you have both been depressed during my absence? Has my absence cause you much grief?
You poor things. I am now back with a vengeance and here to ease your sullen souls. Will share with you my exciting journey very soon! Until then my Lo's!
--Lola
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Need to run, need to cry.
A lot is happening I'm losing ground. I have lost a reason to look forward to another day. I have a lot of people around me but none I could run to. I guess I could if I wanted to, but I don't feel comfortable enough. Then again come to think of it, I never really was the kind to wear my emotions on my sleeve. But lately I feel the need to express. Maybe it is the fact that so many of my friends have that special someone to run to at the end of the day. Maybe it is due to my pillar of support, my wings without which I cannot fly, my parents, are so far away, so out of reach. Maybe it is because I have suppressed enough, the feelings are overflowing it just cannot stay inside there anymore. And those stubborn feelings won't settle with being let out through writing or crying. It wants to be vocalized and heard.
One of these days, I swear I will run away. To where nobody knows me. Where nobody will judge me. Far in the valleys where no one can nudge me online. Way out of civilization where my phone won't work. I'll have my favourite music, my favourite magazine, my favourite pictures. Don't tell anyone and just go. That day is soon and I swear. Because it is just too much now I can't cope.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Inattentive
One of the things on my top list of hates would be being unappreciated. I hate it so much when I come up to a person with so much anticipation to share my tales and the other party would dismiss me straight away. Ok, probably, you’re not so interested in my stories or we don’t have a common interest. But, can you at least have some respect for me? A smile would be nice enough. I’m not expecting you to be so overjoyed with what I’m feeling, but perhaps be happy for this friend of yours. And I sincerely, do not appreciate your undiplomatic response to shut me off either. The minute I open my mouth, you try to cut me off with some negative remarks. Show some compassion, be more polite, that might help.
This type of people usually makes me less communicative. They make me feel like my conversation is not interesting enough to be heard. When they cut me off with negative remarks, it would make me even less verbal.
To this people, thanks for killing off my enthusiasm. I just can’t be happier. I shall keep things to myself then. Or, I shall return you with the same favour, no?
-LostSoul-
