Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Dear God
I've not been doing good lately.
Things are not going my way.
Forgive me if I ask, but why for some people the heavens can get it so right?
Please don't ever stop loving me.
Despite me sometimes not putting you first.
You know I still need you.
Sometimes things get so out of hands, and all I can and want to do is breakdown.
And cry.
I know you hear my prayers.
Those I say out loud and those I whisper to you at night.
Exams, missing home, relationships.
Give me a sign God if what I'm doing now is not for me.
I want to be a doctor.
I just cannot find the drive.
The drive I have always had to succeed.
Help me pull through med school, dear God.
Carry me when I'm flat on the floor.
Please take care of mom and dad and my brothers.
Just like I can't live without you, I'd die without them.
And God, please get me back to the right track.
I'm sliding off so far.
The things I do with my boy are things I used to ridicule others for doing.
Give me the strength to resist the worldly pleasures, dear God.
I try to look for you in the sunshine in the day and see if you are anywhere behind the moon at night.
Because sometimes I forget that you are everywhere.
And please don't let me forget again.
I love you.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
He is 92, she is 84...
... At stake is more than RM100mil. He filed a suit against his wife and kids. They drugged him to make him sign over the controlling stakes in his company.
-The Star 19th January 2006
When I am 94, if these knees of mine don't give way, if I ever reach 94, I want to have a humble abode facing the ocean. Right on the beach that when I step outside every morning, soft sandy pearls can greet me hello. And the beautiful sunrise will drench me. I want a hammock nearby where I can sleep away my lazy afternoons. My meals will be grilled fish fresh from the underworld. My squids, my prawns will cook bright red on the barbecue. If I ever find a man to share an eternity with, we'll gather footsteps as we bid the sun goodbye. If I don't meet the one He made for me, I'll make friends with other 94 year olds who are sitting back and relaxing like me and the boys and girls of summer. The former to face the future together, the latter to remind me of who I was 70 years ago. When I go to sleep at night the wind will whisper beautiful rhymes in my ears.
My kids will have become mothers and fathers themselves. They will be out there testing their own wings.
I don't want to be in a court, fighting against the person I took a vow with and the offsprings I gave life to.No.God forbid.
Love can't put food on the table, money is the root to all evil. So how?
Lonestar
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Give my mother a kiss, tell her I'm OK
She is the one who has always been there for me. And she always will.She is the one who made me the prettiest birthday cakes every year. She made me a huge Cinderella cake on my 5th everyone in kindergarten envied me. She nursed me when I almost detached my tongue, broke my leg, dislocated my thumb, broke my arm. And she cried with me when a boy broke my heart because she said that is something I have to nurse myself. She drove me to handball games, movies, concerts, sleepovers, malls. She helped me pack for camps, college, uni even though she said its the hardest thing she has to do. She always goes that extra million mile for me. She knows what I want, I don't have to say. She knows me so well.
I have my friends. They are online, they're downstairs watching telly. I have my boy. He's downstairs too. I have my mother but she is so far away. I can smell her. I miss her so much I can almost touch her. I can see lines starting to appear when she smiles, signs of a life well-lived. I have plans to travel the roads of Australia and swim with dolphins in Rotorua and ski down the French Alps and drink in the sun of Bahamas and scream my lungs out riding the best rollercoasters America has but I most of all I want to go back to her.
I don't want to cry when I am on the phone with her because I know she cries too. She doesn't tell me when something is wrong at home because she doesn't want me to worry. She knows I worry. I worry about her health, I worry about my dad's. I worry that my brothers are not helping out. Sometimes I almost don't believe her when she says she is fine. I know her back still hurts and her knees are killing her. But I believe her everytime she says she loves me and that even though she is far away she is inside me if I look real hard.
"I'm already there,
take a look around,
I am the sundshine in your hair,
I am the shadow on the ground,
I am the whisper in the wind,
I am your imaginary friend. "
"I'm already there,
Don't make a sound,
I am the beat in your heart
I am the moonlight shining down,
I am the whisper in the wind,
And I will be there till the end"
I MISS MY MOTHER!!!!!! :(
Saturday, January 14, 2006
My Boy My Call
"Dah takde lelaki melayu kat dunia ni ke?Lelaki melayu dah tak cukup bagus ke?"
"I did not choose a white guy to fall in love with. I fell for the man that he is and he happens to be Welsh.""Do you actually think there is a future?""I don't know. He doesn't know. Nobody knows.""So why don't you just settle for a Malay boy?""Because I still won't know if that will work out.""Well.. at least if it doesn't work out people can't say "Ha..carik lagi mat salih.." kan? Apa nanti orang cakap?""THAT was your point!!??!! I don't care what 'orang' nak cakap! If it doesn't work out the pain is not going to be more just because he is not Malay. Kalau jalan pegang tangan dengan budak melayu sama je dosa dia dengan tangan mat salih!"
My mom and dad will have a say. They can advice, they can point out what is wrong and what is right. My best friends can tell me if this man can take care of me. Other than that, my boy, my call. You stay the hell out. All of you.
Lonestar
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Rollercoaster Ride
If there is one thing I learned about myself the past year is that I have come to be more sensitive(not as in I-don't-want-to-friend-you-sensitive!). It's like I suddenly aged two-folds of my current age. Sometimes I go to the point of irritating myself. Maybe too much bottled up emotions has taken its toll on me and I suddenly jump at every possible opportunity there is to let the reservoir of tears overflow.
Watching dramas, movies or even when I'm not doing anything; the situation becomes a reason of expressing my suppressed emotions. Sometimes I would just be walking towards the kitchen or making myself a cup of coffee and waheyyyy whatdya know! A thought pops up in mind and down comes the 'rain'. Really, it has become THAT easy.
It's like being in a constant battlefield, except that the only person I'm battling against is myself; my inner emotions fighting among themselves to reign over the whole me. At times I succumb to the crestfallenness but normally, I like to think that I came out a warrior... even if I'm kidding myself. But it gets me going. Then I wouldn't have to dwell on it. Dwelling and living in the past is something I choose not to do. It deprives me of living in the present and enjoy every scent of what today can offer.
Really, I think I'm at such a weird phase of my life whereby things just go downhill evanescently and then I just move on. But when a situation arises that reminds me of that disposition, it drives me down the hill all over again just as quickly as I would recover a major roller-coaster ride! It's insane and it's not depression!
--Lola
