posted at 4:25 AM

Did I tell you that I dreamt T-bag kissed me? What the eff la kan, jijik gila okay. And yes as in T-bag Prison Break tu. It was so bloody disgusting, wet and sloppy. Uuurghhhh. Dulu mimpi kahwin Johnny Depp. Now si T-bag tu apeke hal muncul dalam mimpi aku plak? *shudders*

--Lola

posted at 12:31 PM

You know, I didn't sleep well for months... throughout his absence. I'd go to bed, roll on my front and back and sides wondering and thinking a lot of things. Then I'd eventually fall to sleep but I'd still be jolted up to waking several times in the middle of the night, sometimes checking my phone... just hoping.

I did send a few hurtful messages mostly because I felt so hurt and betrayed. I had put our love at stake being my biggest mistake... and he with no weapon to counter, no means to get back to me... or simply just couldn't, knew that this was a lot for us to bear.

I cried... and he cried as well. It was very emotional but there was still sooo much love between us. And we parted not because we didn't love each other anymore but because we knew it'd be best for both of us now.

Kalau ada jodoh, tak kemana kan?

posted at 10:42 AM

Remember in Cinta, Harris left a set of placards bearing sketches and words that sent Airin in tears?

One of them totally resonated with me and it goes along the line of,

A little girl once told me, that if we love someone, we let them go...

I never thought I'd understand what it meant. All this while, it seemed like a pretty love quote to me. But when I finally came to a position of living up to those words... I know I have truly loved.

Most importantly, I have also accepted. And that makes it all seem okay =)

posted at 11:20 AM

Things didn't work out between us. The conversation was sad but bore a lot of honesty and most importantly acceptance. Even though it didn't work out... there was definitely a lot of love still. That we'd be happy if one of us found love again. It really was true love, at least for me because we let each other go and wanted nothing but happiness for the other.

We didn't want to hurt each other anymore... and for now it seemed like the best decision. Maybe one day we'd find each other again... but in a new light. I still believe in love. It could still be him but at a different time. Just know, I have accepted this fact and I'll be okay.

I hope none of you will ask me about what happened. I guess what happened will just be something only the both of us will share and keep. It has been painful, it still is and could be for a very long time.

Just be my friend like you always have.

posted at 12:39 AM

One of it is how much I am missing out at home. I miss seeing my family dynamics change. Worse, I am no longer part of it except for the times that I am home, once a year for a teeny weeny month. I miss seeing my elder brother change from a failing college student to a motivated English teacher. Its wonderful to see him find his niche finally. I guess when people like what they do, they do it best.

And I miss seeing my younger brothers change from boys to men. The youngest one is going off to college already. It feels like only yesterday I held his hands crossing the road. I nursed him when he was ill. I fried him eggs and made him burgers in the middle of the night. They probably hate me for all the time I screamed, shouted, smacked, punched, kicked, embarressed them. It was all self-defense I swear. A little revenge maybe.

Just the other night I was nudged online by my younger bro, asking me advice about girls. Showed me pictures of 'my mother's daughter in law'. Seriously!!? Then he goes on to say how this is the only girl in his heart, and that he is on cloud nine. I commented how she's not really all that and by my standards, she's not at all hot. Heheh. He threw it back in my face by saying looks will fade, it's her I'm into. Not her physical. Wah-la-wey!! This is my brother??

It was funny at that time, but not when I realize how much I'm missing out. We chat online and I call home whenever I can, but it's not the same, is it? It's not like when we are all seated at the dining table and they know to chuck all the tomatoes onto my plate, and I know to leave the chicken wings for him.

I dread the thought of not going back for summer.

I dread even more missing my parents change. God knows how long more they are going to be around. You'd think they can't change anymore at their age, but it could just be the period they change the most. And I wish I could be there.

I guess my parents must feel the same way when I changed. At least I think I have changed. For the better, I hope.

posted at 12:58 AM

It was the weirdest thing. I was lying down just resting, with my eyes closed and suddenly a mad rush of things was running wildly in my head to which eventually made me drift off to sleep.

And then I had a dream...

I had an eye-checkup for a throbbing eye that gave me spinning headaches. The diagnosis came and I saw some funny looking images, supposedly my eyes.

The doc had thought that it'd be better if a close family member told me what I suffered from and well... I don't exactly remember who did all the talking.

But of all things... the cause of all the pain, the verdict of it all was, "You are suffering from a traumatic loss..." and I remember being so shocked I actually had trouble breathing. Like... it coulda been cancer or losing my eyeballs or something like that but something sooooo........ theoretical!? I was shocked nonetheless.

Then I remember my heart palpitating at such a speed that I fell back from a queer sensation of faint with absolutely no life or energy to pull myself up.

At that moment, I opened my eyes... breathed heavily for what seemed like someone had been choking on my neck.

But then slowly... I fell back onto my bed and realized it was all just a dream...

--Lola

posted at 12:54 AM

posted at 7:18 AM